OK, Mother Nature.
You win. We lose. We have officially tapped out. Given up. Thrown in the towel. You are our superior and we bow down before you and admit your power and might.
What you are doing now — what with all of the rain, snow and cold temperatures well into the month of April — proves that we are beholden to your whims. When you send unseasonable temperatures our way, there are exactly two things we can do about it: nothing and like it.
I have given up on the notion that spring — let alone summer — is ever coming. We are going to be stuck with 30- and 40-degree temperatures all the way into August, folks. Cancel your cookouts and trips to the swimming pool, folks. Put away your tank tops and pull out your parkas.
I am firmly convinced this is as good as it’s going to get and we are all just going to have to deal with it.
So, it is with great resignation that I am willing to accept the cold, cloudy, wet weather we are going to have, apparently, until the day I die. With that in mind, I figure we all might as well start looking to the bright side (not literally, of course, because it’s obvious the shine will never shine again on our beloved Buckeye state).
I mean, there are some advantages …
Just think of the time we’ll be able to save now on yard work, knowing nothing green will ever grow again! No more mowing. No more mulching. No more planting. Heck, we won’t even have to ever rake leaves again because all the trees are barren with no hope of ever growing leaves again. Sure, it’s going to feel a little weird shoveling our driveways and sidewalks in July, but sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. Remember, it’s the weather and there’s nothing we can do about it.
Personally, I am looking forward to it never being swimsuit season again. For myself and my fellow endomorphs, not feeling the need to parade around the pool wearing next to nothing always is a positive. I may never have to go shirtless in public again, which is not only good for me, but anyone who might have to see me. My unpleasant figure can remain comfortably hidden under layers and blue jeans all year now.
One thing I’ve always noticed about the beginning of the fall is that on the first chilly day, someone invariably says, “It’s starting to feel like football weather.” As someone who loves football, there’s very little I appreciate more than a little “football weather.” So look at this as a positive, folks — we are getting football weather five months early. Let’s soak it all in. To all of you who post, “I can’t wait for pumpkin lattes, cool nights, hay rides, Ugg boots, hoodies and bonfires” on your Facebook page every September, what you are waiting for? Your time is now, baby. The weather is perfect right now for all of those things. Who is up for a late April hay ride and bonfire? Sign me up!
I think we’ll all stay a lot safer in this weather, too. We won’t have those pesky mosquitoes buzzing us anymore, thus cutting down on our chances of contracting malaria. No more sunburns or burning our hands on the molten-hot steering wheel when we get in our car. And I have to believe the cases of heat exhaustion in the state are going to go way down now that we are never going to see 70 degrees again.
Let’s face it, folks, the cold weather is here to stay. We may as well embrace it.
Unless, of course, we finally get a break in the weather and it eventually hits 105 with 99 percent humidity in July.
Then we can go back to wishing it was cold again.
Reach David Fong at firstname.lastname@example.org; follow him on Twitter @thefong