As someone who is currently going through a breakup — some days you’re engaged, some days you’re not, it’s fine — I can say that there are certain themes that I would like to see in the movies I watch now to help distract me from the end of a failing relationship.
I don’t want the sappy goodness of romantic comedies that I usually love and adore, no, I want to see property damage. I want violence, I want to see someone get kicked in the face if possible, and I want campy horror films. Added bonuses also include gross villains, zombies, a haunting of some type, and a political uprising to distract from feelings of being bummed out.
There is also only one man that I want to see fill up the screen and steal my heart: Ron Burgundy.
So, for those who do not want a good cry, but just want to watch some people break stuff and cause general mayhem, here are my top 10 movies to distract from post-breakup woes:
10) “Terminator Salvation” (2009, PG-13)
Is he a man? Is he a robot? I don’t know, but let’s watch him find out for himself and destroy a bunch of stuff in the process!
This is also the fourth in the “Terminator” series and is also the one to really focus on what life is like in the future after robots have taken over the planet. The other ones are more about naked time travel into the past, which is also good and distracting.
9) “V for Vendetta” (2005, R)
Here is the political uprising I wanted, or just general upheaval. Yes, there is a romantic thread to it. Natalie Portman does end up kissing a masked man. There’s just something not very sexy, though, about kissing a mask, and also, there is just so much infrastructure damage. Like SO MANY explosions.
Portman’s character also goes through a lot of suffering and ugly crying while she’s being tortured, and I’m sure many of us can totally relate to the ugly crying.
8) “The Thing” (1982, R)
A creepy alien thing is attacking an isolated research facility in Antarctica. The people in the research facility are also not super happy about it. Those going through a breakup might be, though.
7) “Battle Royale” (2000, not rated)
“Battle Royale” is a Japanese movie about a bunch kids being forced to kill each other. It came out before “The Hunger Games” and is all of the gore that is obviously missing from “The Hunger Games.”
So watching a bunch of teens trying to kill each other should be distracting.
“The Hunger Games” series is also a good post-breakup distraction, featuring social upheaval and an outright civil war and revolution.
6) “Men in Black 3” (2012, PG-13)
Gross alien creatures and a gross villain coupled with Will Smith’s humor as he tries to figure out what happened to his partner.
Aren’t we all, Agent J, aren’t we all.
5) “Zombieland” (2009, R)
Here are the zombies I wanted. They are also gross, and they have a tendency to die in funny ways.
Also Bill Murray appears briefly in the movie, and he is really living it up in this zombie apocalypse. That is, until he’s not.
4) “The Exorcist” (1973, R)
A couple priests try to help a little girl un-demonize herself. It gets really weird, and it really puts things into perspective about how rough life could be going.
3) “Tucker and Dale vs. Evil” (2010, R)
Here is the campy horror movie I wanted that is a mixture of gore, horror, and silliness. These two guys are in a cabin in the woods on vacation when they get attacked by preppy millennials, although this was probably before all of the think pieces on millennials became basically a daily occurrence.
2) “The Dark Knight” (2008, PG-13), “The Dark Knight Rises” (2012, PG-13)
Let me wallow in some more darkness with all of the tragedy that Batman goes through.
These are also two of my favorite movies that question the dichotomy of good and evil while causing so. much. destruction.
1) “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” (2004, PG-13), “Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues” (2013, PG-13)
Ron Burgundy never lets me down. Sure, there are a couple romances in these movies, but Ron gets me. He is a glass case of emotion, I’m on a couch of despair, it’s all the same.
I also enjoy Burgundy getting put in his place when a female broadcast journalist enters the field in the 1970s and becomes his rival and potential lover. His band of sidekicks are also ridiculous and reunite with Burgundy again in the second movie to enter the world of 24-hour cable news. They are each outrageous and also completely clueless about how outrageous they are being.
Reach Sam Wildow at firstname.lastname@example.org or (937) 451-3336